Volume 3, Issue 04

The Label Game

Just because my arms are crossed doesn’t mean I’m ‘closed off’. Or does it?

I’ve become very conscious lately of how much labeling/interpretation we attribute to the non-verbal forms of communication we observe in others and the unintended consequences that result.

Here are a few of the more popular non verbal common forms of communication we label/interpret:

Someone’s late = Disrespectful,

Arms crossed = Closed off

Rolling eyes = Disinterested

Pen Tapping = Impatient

Heel Tapping = Hurry Up

Heavy Sigh = Something’s wrong

Doodling = Bored

Bouncing Knee = Nervous

Go ahead add some more to the list.

Here’s the thing, all of the above interpretations may well be true, but we don’t really know what others are thinking, feeling or why they do what they do?

This example may resonate with you.

Bob was to meet Mary for lunch at noon and he’s 30 minutes late. He doesn’t call to say he’ll be late and when he finally arrives he laughs a little sheepishly as if to say “silly me, late again” apologizes and then proceeds as though everything is OK. Half way through what’s left of their time together, he has to make a quick call. Bob has been late before.

Meanwhile Mary has had a million thoughts in the time it has taken Bob to sit down. If we could hear her thoughts they might sound like this. “I can’t believe he’s late again. He’s so inconsiderate. He was probably in another one of his “ meetings” clearly they are more important than me. He must think I’ve got nothing else to do with my time but sit around and wait for him. Now he’s laughing as those it’s OK. I should really tell him what I think.”

The more Mary thinks about Bob’s tardiness the more ticked off she becomes and her irritation gets in the way of enjoying her meal and Bob’s company.

Bob senses something in Mary’s behavior and interprets what he sees by saying “Mary you seem upset”. Not wanting to hurt Bob’s feelings, Mary suppresses her irritation, opting instead to say “oh, I’m fine, just a little hungry.” Bob feels that Mary isn't being totally honest but doesn’t push her because he doesn’t want to get into a fight.

How could this have played out differently?

Here’s what we know – BOB WAS LATE – that’s the only fact we know to be true.

Mary made the rest up and her interpretation of the facts resulted in unnecessary anxiety.

Mary could have gotten curious about Bob’s tardiness and said “you’re late, what’s that about?” Bob might then have told her that his reason for being late was connected to a surprise he’s planning for her. His sheepish laugh was connected to his thinking how great it was going to be when she saw the new car he had just bought for her birthday. Who knows! Mary certainly didn’t and now she’d spend the rest of the day in a less than happy mental space.

So, this month I challenge you to GET CURIOUS. Start noticing all the different ways you interpret what you see (or hear). Then, before you label or make up a story about what’s going on say “I notice (fill in the blank) what’s that about? By stating the facts without interpretation or labeling you accomplish two things. Firstly, you eliminate any judgments or anxiety you might be feeling and secondly you’ve made the other person aware of a behavior that they may not be conscious of.

This is also a great exercise for you too. Become more aware of your own behaviors. Catch yourself rolling your eyes. Be curious about why for example you “fidget with your glasses” during meetings when certain people begin to speak. Notice what you are thinking, notice what you’re feeling.

My observations of late, suggest we can't not communicate, so rather than make assumptions about what I see, I'm just going to ask what things mean. The Label Game has taken me down paths I'd rather not travel, so I've decided to stop playing.